Welcome to my ongoing journal of my journey with God!

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Separation Trap!

You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again. (Ps. 71:20-21)

As days go by, I settle. I settle on the fact that my days are different than they once were. I resolve and attempt to mend my anguish with prayer and reflection at the beginning and end of each day to seek comfort and understanding. It is a discipline that has caught me off guard and has also been a saving grace.

When the realization came upon me that my Angel Girl was gone, I was in shock. The distress of this surreal event poured grief on me like a syrup that covered my being. I was suffocated in the struggle of what to do and how could this happen. I will never know why this has happened in this earthly journey, but it is up to me to allow the memory of Angel drive me toward a purpose. I pray I have the awareness to recognize God’s intention for me as I move through the acceptance of my heartache.

Lately I have felt separated and somewhat trapped. I have recoiled slightly and have withdrawn back to safety…or what I perceive as safety! I continue my daily prayer and reflection, but I have become a bit guarded outside this perceived safety zone. My goal now is to expose the guarded comfort of my self imposed protective shield and find refuge in God.

In the past when this behavior would rear up, its introduction had no presumed purpose…I just felt the need to withdrawal. In the wake of my Angel’s passing, this temperament has surfaced yet again. So as I suffer through this isolation demon this time, I refuse to throw blame to my sweet Angel’s tragedy. It is my responsibility to seek God to pull me through this seclusion and not lean on the sorrow of Angel as my justification for such behavior.

I pray that I find refuge in God for the comfort and protection I seek in all my affairs, and to realize to withdrawal is to separate myself from growth and the healing I need to move through my grief and to help others do the same.

May God bless you and give you Grace.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Intellectualizing God...

Since God in his wisdom saw to it that the world would never know him through human wisdom, he has used our foolish preaching to save those who believe. 
(1 Cor. 1:21)

I have been in hibernation in a sense these last few weeks, which has given me time to reflect on my growing relationship with the Lord. Throughout much of my early journey, I have tried to use my intellect to solve the mystery and find a connection with God to discover why life is the way it is. It is an ancient question that cannot be answered with human wisdom. Let’s face it, many wiser than I have attempted this quest to no avail.

The portion of my journey that encompassed this unattainable knowledge left me frustrated and spiritually isolated. If I could not make sense of the way things were in relation to God, I would side step the issues, and rely on God to give me a free pass – since he held all the secrets. This drove me away from any spiritual growth I would have towards Him, and allowed my human intellect to make God responsible for any difficulties I would experience on my journey.

I eventually fell out of this trap, realizing there is a responsibility factor that is up to me to fulfill. Although I had lifted the blame off of God for the trials I would incur, I failed to lean on Him in those very times. This kept me entangled in turmoil longer than necessary, leaving me to wonder what I was missing.

This yearning subdued the urge to discover God with my intellect and allowed my heart find the relationship I needed to trust in Him. God is not a discovery or a riddle that needs or wants to be answered. He is the constant that just wants us to find faith in Him in all of our endeavors. I know that when I am able to release my struggles to Him in faith, He will lead me to the other side. When I do this, I also need to release my expectation of what the other side entails.

This has been my truth as I am making my way through the loss of my Angel. As I rest my faith in Him through this chapter of my journey, I have been consistently comforted and amazed as little miracles continue to be revealed. It has given me the courage to release more of my grip on life and seek His guidance in all that I do.

May God bless you and give you Grace.