Welcome to my ongoing journal of my journey with God!

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Separation Trap!

You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again. (Ps. 71:20-21)

As days go by, I settle. I settle on the fact that my days are different than they once were. I resolve and attempt to mend my anguish with prayer and reflection at the beginning and end of each day to seek comfort and understanding. It is a discipline that has caught me off guard and has also been a saving grace.

When the realization came upon me that my Angel Girl was gone, I was in shock. The distress of this surreal event poured grief on me like a syrup that covered my being. I was suffocated in the struggle of what to do and how could this happen. I will never know why this has happened in this earthly journey, but it is up to me to allow the memory of Angel drive me toward a purpose. I pray I have the awareness to recognize God’s intention for me as I move through the acceptance of my heartache.

Lately I have felt separated and somewhat trapped. I have recoiled slightly and have withdrawn back to safety…or what I perceive as safety! I continue my daily prayer and reflection, but I have become a bit guarded outside this perceived safety zone. My goal now is to expose the guarded comfort of my self imposed protective shield and find refuge in God.

In the past when this behavior would rear up, its introduction had no presumed purpose…I just felt the need to withdrawal. In the wake of my Angel’s passing, this temperament has surfaced yet again. So as I suffer through this isolation demon this time, I refuse to throw blame to my sweet Angel’s tragedy. It is my responsibility to seek God to pull me through this seclusion and not lean on the sorrow of Angel as my justification for such behavior.

I pray that I find refuge in God for the comfort and protection I seek in all my affairs, and to realize to withdrawal is to separate myself from growth and the healing I need to move through my grief and to help others do the same.

May God bless you and give you Grace.

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