Welcome to my ongoing journal of my journey with God!

Monday, January 31, 2011

Why Me...?

I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. (Lam. 3:20-23)

In the first days of my Angel’s passing, I was in a stunned somber state. It took weeks for me to settle into the devastation of my new reality, and the remnants are still coming to rest. I suspect that these unsettled moments will continue with me throughout my journey with varying degrees of intensity.

When I reached the first plateau of this new emotional infancy, I questioned God. My obvious inquiry was “why, how could this happen”? Strangely, I did not feel as though I was being punished. Although I had my bouts with poor decisions and sin, I had not been blatant in my transgressions; but I most definitely had not been a saint. So the question of “why” I came to realize is something my human nature would never discover or understand…I just prayed for peace in these matters.

As I became somewhat stable in this realization, I began to appreciate the plight of others that have experienced such a loss. The fact that I had not been singled out as a target somehow eased my anguish, and the thoughts of “why me” became an obvious venture into selfishness. Early on, it’s as if I thought I was above reproach from the course of life that had tackled so many. I am now aware that life’s course has a gravity of it’s own, and how it falls is a mystery that no one is exempt from.

This realization I have discovered is God’s answer to me as I raise the question of why. It does not explain the purpose, but it gives me the comfort and peace I need to continue. I came to the true awareness recently that I will see my Angel girl again; this was confirmed in my heart in a way that I cannot express. I have voiced this thought in the past, but this particular instance was a gift from God that confirmed my faith in Him.

I pray that I continue to seek God's comfort, peace and understanding as I walk with Him in this new awareness that has fallen upon me as a gift.

May God bless you and give you Grace.

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